As much as I enjoy laidback pool parties and vacations, I look forward to getting back into a regular routine. Fall is a perfect time to reevaluate my calendar and to-do lists.
I plan to have my book’s first draft done in January. That means more time in my schedule for writing. Since Hannah will continue college, my workdays will shift a bit to accommodate Alexander. Remembering my limits, I’ll be careful not to become his full-time sitter.
That requires self-control and saying, “No.” There are times when our needs and plans have to come first. But, it’s not always easy. Why is that?
Perhaps “No” is tricky because it’s contrary to a habit. When raising our children, our time was spent feeding, bathing, and clothing. We mopped spills, refereed fights, and scrubbed grass stains. It was natural to put them first.
But, now they’re grown and need independence. “No” will teach them to be self-sufficient. If it’s important, they’ll figure it out. In their own time, in their own way. And if they don’t, perhaps they will learn to step up next time. They don’t need Mom and Pop rescuing them. It’s time to rewire that habit.
Sometimes we say yes when we want to say no because we fear, “That’s not fair.” If my adult children can’t trust my heart and my limits, it really is their problem. I don’t play favorites and I can’t always give equal time, attention, or resources. Even if I choose to recline on the deck and eat chocolate, my time is just as valuable as theirs. They can’t manipulate me with false guilt.
“No” may also be complicated by our history. Did you know those raised with an alcoholic in the home tend to have an inflated sense of responsibility? If it’s gonna get done and done right, the adult child of an alcoholic has to do it. A plan or project will fall apart if we don’t take charge. There’s a need to fix and manage, to have a sense of control and security.
Along with our history, come other harmful mindsets. Perhaps, we’re people-pleasers. We fear conflict because we want everyone happy or we want everyone to like us. Ain’t gonna happen, folks.
Usually we struggle to say no because we simply want to help. We may even have the gift of helping. In 1 Corinthians 12:28 and Romans 12:6-8 we find qualities like helping, serving, and kindness. To these virtues, we’re all called, but some of us are given an extra grace gift in these areas. But, it’s important to see when help isn’t really helping anymore. When someone depends on us too much, even lending a hand has its limits.
Yes, saying no is difficult. As we learn to do it, let’s ask God to reveal our purpose in this season. His main plan for us is to love and serve others, to draw them to Him. Our calling hasn’t changed but perhaps it’s time to express it in a new way.
So, whether it’s a request from clergy, kids, or co-workers—just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. We want to give our best for His glory. Courage for your journey, my friends.
Photo by Jeff Melvin
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