As I settle into this Chicago suburb choosing paint colors, shower curtains, and no MSG on my oriental take-out, I fear settling. Not making-a-home settling. Military moves made me an expert at that. I mean spiritually, at the soul-level, settling. My mind tends to nestle into comfort and cruise in familiar territory. But then there’s this recurring, niggling reminder: This isn’t just for you.
This restlessness comes and goes. I banish it with busyness and excuses. After all, there’s laundry to conquer, shopping to endure, and Bible studies to facilitate.
For years, I appeased this uneasiness by opening my home to strangers and family members in transition. But now, with less messes to mop and mouths to stuff, this agitation’s gaining momentum in my gut. My pastor calls it a “holy discontent.”
For months, I’ve reasoned, over-thought, and wasted time fretting about wasting time. What if I fail or make the wrong choice? But fear breeds confusion, like bacteria dropped into the Petri dish of new opportunities.
I feel like a rubber band attached to a toy airplane’s propeller. To fly the plane, you twist, twist, twist that band until it either snaps or spins. Now, this may be a terrible analogy because those things never fly right but bear with me because I’m about to snap … or spin … or both. All I know is I’ve got this inward churning urging me to figure out the next umpteen years of my life and this outward pull to do it now, now, now.
But then comes a gentle nudge. “Just take the next step.” And attached is a promise, “I’m with you.” Then a warning, “ Don’t expect comfort.”
So, my God is doing a new thing in me. He’s teaching me to trust, takes risks, really live. But not just for me. Friends, neighbors, strangers, enemies. He wants to use broken-confused-limited-socially awkward-me to share life with them.
Fear still coaxes me to settle. But I choose not to comfort cruise while nestling into this lovely Chicago suburb. I’ll heed this holy discontent because settling frightens me more than the unknown.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” — Jesus
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